A single text. "Mommy, it's cancer." And my world for that minute came crashing down.
But I didn't let it crush me.
On this Wednesday, I was off-site with my students who were competing in health-related competitions. I was the advisor on-site for them as well as students from other schools competing.
All day I was mentally preparing to receive the message in "My Chart" that a new test result was available (indicating that testing on the biopsies had been completed). On the outside, I was calm as my students' nervous energy was enough to power a warehouse. However, the moment I saw the email that a new test result was available, I literally felt sick to my stomach.
The results were in:
PATHOLOGY RESULTS:
3) Mass [A] (Right; Upper Outer; 10 o'clock; Posterior; 7 cm from nipple)
The pathology results indicate a Malignant finding with invasive lobular carcinoma.
Radiology and pathology are concordant.
1) Calcifications [C] (Left; Upper Central)
The pathology results indicate a Malignant finding with invasive ductal carcinoma and ductal carcinoma in situ.
Radiology and pathology are concordant.
2) Lymph Node [D] (Left; Axilla)
The pathology results indicate a Malignant finding with metastatic axillary lymph node.
Radiology and pathology are concordant.
4) Lymph Node [B] (Right; Axilla)
The pathology results indicate a Malignant finding with metastatic axillary lymph node.
WOOF. I was NOT prepared for all that.
TWO types. Both Metastasized. Was this for real??
I wasn't supposed to be home until 8:30-9pm. But I ended up getting coverage and leaving the site that I was at. I couldn't face my students as they came out of their competitions. I felt this need to just get home and be with my kids. I was by no means ready to tell them, but I needed to be with them. I wanted to be home when my husband got home so I could tell him as well.
After a bunch of phone calls from the radiologist, nurse navigators, and scheduling coordinators, a surgeon was selected, appointments were made, and I was just trying to catch my breath.
I got home and spent time with my boys. Steve arrived home and I was able to steal 30sec away and we cried together in our closet before the boys needed us.
Then, I made the decision to return to my students and be with them for the awards ceremony that evening.
I didn't want them to think I had just abandoned them. So many of them both from my classroom and across the school had worked so hard for this day, I had to be there to support them as well as my fellow advisors.
So I went back. And I pretended as if nothing had changed. It wasn't about me - it was about them.
I would deal with the cancer later.
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