Today felt different when I woke up.
I felt sad.
I put on my brave face and supported both of my boys at their basketball games. Chatted with my inlaws who came to support them. Cheered for the kids, engaged with others...all while not quite feeling myself.
Yesterday, although I knew what to expect, what a big information day.
A day of reality. I was not talking about a friend, or a patient, or someone who knew someone. This was about ME.
I was the one with cancer in both breasts. I was the one who was going to undergo her first major surgery. I was the one who now has BREAST CANCER in her medical history.
My in-laws offered to take us all out to a diner. Under normal circumstances, I would have jumped right on it. I felt bad as I knew my MIL wanted me to join...and I did...but I couldn't. I didn't feel like me. I knew I wouldn't be able to engage. I felt like I was on the edge...and I didn't want to plumet off in front of others.
When Steve and I got home, I started to eat some lunch but didn't have much of an appetite and instead went upstairs.
I laid in bed and CRIED. I cried for me. I cried for my family. I cried because I just felt like I needed to cry.
Steve realized I was upstairs and came to tuck me in, close the blinds, and just lay with me. I have said over and over how I prefer to be alone so he later told me he didn't want to intrude on that to much.
I think I dozed on and/off for a better portion of the afternoon. Steve took the boys out in that time period so I was alone in the house.
I finally emerged and melted myself onto the couch in the living room. Steve eventually came home with the boys and he joined me.
I looked at him...
"I feel sad."
"I don't want to feel sick. I don't want to feel tired."
"I'm sad that I am not going to have nipples or hair. And now I feel ridiculous that I am sad about that."
The wave of emotions continued to hit me. Eventually I did laugh at my sadness over losing my nipples and likely my hair and now when people comment "You are so strong through all this!" I make sure to tell them about my nipple and hair cry.
It is OK to cry about not having nipples.
It is OK to cry about the strong potential of losing your hair.
It is even better to heal from those cries and be able to look back and giggle.
I mean, who needs nipples anyways?
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