My husband and I were arguing last night.
It transferred into this morning. I felt irritated, anxious, and just wanted to be at the hospital and IN the OR.
I know he was projecting his feelings. I know he isn't good at communicating what those feelings are but I can only imagine.
I know I am the pillar of my family. He doesn't like to see me in pain or upset. So I know that he was imagining what the aftermath of today's events were going to be like.
He gets in his own head and conjures all types of scenarios and situations. So needless to say it was a tense morning.
I got maybe 4.5 hours of sleep - showered, did my hair (because why not), and tossed on some comfy clothes.
We were out the door by 6:10am and greeted at the hospital by my sister, my mom, and my inlaws.
I don't know what I was feeling. I have NEVER under gone something like this. I truly was just trying to NOT think about it.
I realize I tend to not think about things and just deal with the situation as it arises.
For example - when I was pregnant, I did NOT want to go to birthing classes. I had never watched a video. I knew where the baby came out and how it was supposed to come out, the details I would work out as the situation arose.
I've realized being blissfully unprepared is how I handle situations. Minimal thought, minimal preparation, adjust and react as needed.
Minutes after signing in at the hospital, I was called back.
"Is this crew with you? You can bring one person back."
"Nope that's ok. Just me. I'm good."
There was NO way I could handle anyone else's energy.
The nurse was awesome - we chatted - he put me at ease as much as possible.
I had to wipe myself down with 6 antiseptic wipes to minimize bacteria brought into the OR, change into a gown, an IV was inserted, and then I had 30 minutes until go time.
"Oh shoot. Can I have someone bring me my phone then?"
I specifically asked for the nurse to ask my husband to bring my phone back - thinking I could calm his nerves and settle his emotions - it was going to be a long time waiting for me to get out of surgery to otherwise discuss these things.
"I know the only reason I am back here is to bring you your phone."
Ok, well that backfired. I kicked him out approx 1 min later - those vibes were not going to work for me. My stomach felt upset with the interaction and my fear was that I was going to shit myself during the surgery.
I settled myself with watching Mic'd Up Super Bowl edition - if you haven't seen it DO IT.
(For easy reference: Superbowl LIX Mic'd Up)
The events that followed were as such:
*Anesthesiologist arrived to introduce himself and get consent for his role - he liked the Eagles, I liked him.
*Dr. Cardarelli, the breast surgeon, arrived to do a final check/assessment, answered some lingering questions I had re: chemo (Yes), radiation (Yes), then she went to talk to my family.
*In came some of the OR team - this starts to become a blur as all was moving quick and I was rolled into the OR.
*Last thing I remember, they were bringing both arms out to the side, pulling me over on the OR table, strapping me down, and encouraging me to take 3 deep breaths of "oxygen" while holding my head and repeating, "We got you. Everything is going to be ok. You are going to do great."
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