Not going to the gym or working out every morning has been tough. I still check the workouts and head to the leaderboard...Could I have beaten that person? Would I have survived that workout? Did anyone survive that workout?
I miss my ME time. I miss burning that kind of energy while laughing hysterically, sweating profusely, and proving to myself time and time again, YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING HARD THINGS.
I woke up to this pic from the morning crew and while it wasn't exactly like being there with them, it was a close 4th.
The kindness continued with a couple responses from emails/texts I sent to colleagues sharing this blog with them:
“Your experience and journey -although heartbreaking and gut wrenching- is so inspirational.
Your outlook on life is priceless. You truly are a gift from the heavens above.
🤗 💕 "
To which I immediately texted my sis and said, "I'm a fucking GIFT."
I just didn't want her to forget who she is working with here.
From a former English teacher whom I had warned, "I ain't no English major":
“I already started reading it- you are a wonderfully creative and beautiful writer. I'm looking forward to catching up with all of your posts.”
This makes me want to jump into broadway mode and sing from the top of my lungs at my highschool English teacher, "Oh if they could see me now!" 😁😂
Needless to say it was a good start to the morning!
Steve was home with me as I had two appointments.
First up post-op visit with the breast surgeon, Dr, Cardarelli.
Second, post-op with plastics and reconstruction team.
It was a morning full of lots of news. Now that the pathology had come in, the whole course was being shifted.
As with other big ticket appointments, I had summarized and texted a few of you so here is the nitty gritty copied and pasted from those convos...
1. Surgery scheduled 3/27 - PM ish time for R (only) axillary node dissection > U shaped incision under my armpit. It will be an overnight. Dr. Cardarelli will be assisted by the other breast surgeon as it is a tricky surgery.
2. She had really wanted to avoid this as she said that this type of surgery never saved someone's life. Chemo has. However, if there are some angry nodes in there, which it appears this is likely what’s going on, they need to get those out.
3. She commented on how seemingly fast the tumor that was close to my skin (on the R) grew from when she first saw me pre-op to the day of surgery. She really doesn’t like the cancer on that right side. It did actually invade my skin and we were likely days away from seeing skin changes had it not come out.
4. Chemo will get pushed back until a month after that, and the chemo plan will likely also be changing - Dr. Agostino is supposed to call me later today. Dr. Cardarelli also made mention of the port placement again, so likely that will be scheduled.
5. I will be having PT appointments scheduled for garment fittings and the start of lymphedema management.
6. The small amount that my expanders were filled will need to be completely deflated for the surgery so the area they need to work in is free and clear.
7. As per Dr. Cardarelli who spoke with Dr. A and the other breast surgeon, there is no alternative option to this. Surgery is a must.
I really was not all that surprised re: requiring additional surgery after having read about the right side in the pathology report.
Steve...well he didn't take it all too well. He draws within. Starts thinking all the things. Tells me it's not all about me all while I keep repeating, "I am literally fine. There is nothing I can do about it but do it and move forward."
Let's just say I have (with his consent) since scheduled him for some virtual counseling sessions. I know he needs this...he knows he needs this. I will talk anyone's ear off for free, but if we need to pay for his talk therapy I am all about it.
I need those around me to be strong and feel comforted in this process. Have a space to ask questions, express fears, cry, laugh, ultimately show and feel emotion.
I have you all and this blog...what are YOU doing for YOU in tough times?
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Appointment #2:
This was a quick and easy one.
1. Two drains out - woohoo!
I wasn't sure what to expect so I braced myself.
I am numb/dull to the touch across my chest and t/o my armpits but it doesn't mean I don't have pain, soreness, and tenderness. It is a bizarre feeling really.
It was honestly painless. Initially, there was tugging/pulling on my skin as the drains had adhered to it so that had to be snipped away. Then there was this just weird sensation as the tube came out from my insides to the outside 🤢
2. Other two drains next week!
Thank goodness as this then gives me one week after that without drains. I will have 1-2 more placed after the surgery on 3/27.
3. Rash all over my back/abdomen/thighs? Likely sulfur sensitivity from antibiotic.
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After all this, I got the phone call from Dr. A (reminder: oncology doc who determines chemo regimen amongst other things).
1. Chemo will now be starting on April 17. Last chemo should be August 28.
2. I will indeed be getting the “Red Devil“ so 20 weeks of chemo, still two different types. The first one is spread out over four sessions (one session every two weeks). The next one after that is one time a week for 12 weeks.
3. Forget the cold cap as the type of chemo I am getting doesn’t care about cold. I WILL lose my hair.
4. I need to get an echocardiogram prior as there is a 5% risk of CHF developing later. Dr. A is also going to refer me to a cardiac oncologist just to keep up with things as this chemo progresses - not because I need it now. But with my luck so far, hellllooo CHF!
5. I DO need a port so that will have to be scheduled and put in by IR.
6. The reason they are going with a stronger chemo is because neither doctor appreciates the aggressiveness of the cancer on the right side. That lobular type of cancer is not acting as typically it should, so they don’t want to mess around.
7. We are sorry.
It is OK. Really. I refuse to succumb to sadness, despair, darkness. I know it will come as it may, but I will be dammned if this cancer takes my F*CKing spirit.
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My day ended as it started....with a beautiful reminder of #cancer2025 bringing my people together:
“You’ve been on my mind and in my heart 💕 I so appreciate your raw, honest truth in your blog. You are impacting more than you realize. Also, snapped this pic this morning. Love the glow around your house. 🌅”
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