3/26 POD #27> But what IF?

Mom is back!

She is here to accompany me to appointments and to support us for my next surgery tomorrow.

My initial appointment this morning was canceled as Dr. Morrissey saw me yesterday.

The one that remains is my wig fitting at the Center for Hope and Healing. 

MY. Wig. 

It is sinking in but at the same time it isn't.

Oddly enough, I had this weird sense of excitement when I got the notification she was arriving.

But then...I could NOT open the box.
I didn't want to process the reality of what was inside.

Maybe I won't even wear it.

 
Knowing me, I will want to rock my bald head proudly as a billboard:

I AM A CANCER WARRIOR! 

Subtle right? 

It is so crazy to sit in a chair, and try on 'your hair' for when you will not have hair. They did a fabulous job matching my wig to my hair...so yes, I do think it will make me look like me....when I choose to. 

I also took the initiative to book my appointment for when I buzz my head.

Everyone handles this situation differently.

But this isn't just about losing my hair - which man do I have stories about how dramatic I can be about a new hairstyle....

Supporting story #1:

.....Once upon a time in a faraway place called Gettysburg College, I went for a haircut.

I should have known when the stylist said, "We are just going to WARSH your hair first," that it wasn't going to be good. I should have run. But I stayed.

....that evening, post haircut, Jules and Trish found me locked inside a room refusing to come out due to how awful it looked. And by saying “awful”, I was being sooooo dramatic.

Supporting story #2:

For the longest time, and every time I would get my hair done, my sister would say, please don't cut it. 

She couldn't handle the backlash of my initial emotions with a change in my hair. 

Supporting story #3:

This one period in time, I wore butterfly clips to secure every piece of hair I had to my head in an attempt to hide my ridiculously short, permed hairstyle. 

So much to unpack there....

But as per usual, I digress.

What I do know is that I can NOT wake up with my hair falling out on my pillow every morning.

I will NOT be able to handle fistfuls of hair as I wash it in the shower.

Seeing patches missing from my scalp.

So I took the initiative to book the appointment 2 weeks post my first chemo session when my sis will be in town. I have been informed to anticipate hair thinning and falling out at the 2 week mark.

Sara will be here for my second chemo appointment and after that we will go to the boutique to cut off my hair.

Woof. Just pit in my stomach, full on, WOOF.

Sure there is a voice in my head that says, well what IF yours doesn't?

What IF yours only thins a little initially?

What IF you could have your hair an extra week or two?

But what IF at the two week mark, it falls out in clumps?

But what IF it causes me uncontrollable grief at the reality of the situation?

But what IF I could have had the control to prepare for the loss, and I DID?