My dad called today.
He doesn't often call.
He doesn't notice texts.
He's not great at responding in general.
Hell, the one time my mom was here we thought he was dead. He didn't return any of her 4 phone calls, didn't respond to the door when we sent a neighbor over to check on him, his phone was locating him at home, and then even when my sis drove there and was screaming his name through the house...it took him a couple min to hear.
"Dad? Daaad?? Daaaaddddd?! DAD?! DADDDDD?!?!?!"
"WHAT?!"
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph as well as ALL the farm animals.
At least in that period of time of my sis driving over there, we had an action plan, we reviewed CPR, selected a hospital, and discussed his wishes...
🤷♀️
We were taking action and preparing. BECAUSE he didn't respond.
So, anyway, my dad called.
How do I explain this relationship...
My dad lost both his parents...young.
Not like young, young, but young enough to continue to shape who he was as a parent, a spouse, a brother, a son-in-law.
He often seems angry for no reason, more so when my mom is occupied or the girls are home, but the men are not. I think he feels lonely and abandoned at times. But that then makes him needy which drives my mom nuts.
He likes to relax and do things at his pace.
My mom is the Energizer Bunny and must keep going so as to not succumb to her age. I know she is afraid if she slows down...she will forever slow down.
So at times, that is a fun dynamic where neither communicates their true feelings, and it comes out in frustration and often anger on both ends.
I tend to side with my mom...98% of the time.
I will always (again 98% of the time) defend her and protect her. So I in turn, get mad at my dad and call him out on his BS.
I also feel I get upset with him as he ages himself and I hate to see that. He slows himself down. He is very self-limiting. And the more he slows himself down, the more my mom pushes herself. And then I get mad at her for wearing herself so thin.
See what I am dealing with here?
Now my dad and I do have really good times - he does make me laugh - he and I both enjoy reading and can get lost in a conversation about books - I like to surprise him with culinary adventures for his birthday or Father's Day - we've successfully cooked halupki and made pasta together - we've worked side by side on projects...and we will joke that we "didn't kill each other.
I know he cares deeply, he just struggles at showing it.
<Does this go back to losing two people he loved tremendously well before he should have?>
Look at me, cancer patient turned psychoanalyst.
And when his emotions come out as anger or annoyance, I will admittedly be the first (and likely only) one to open my mouth and call him out on it.
I don't do negativity or allow someone to be mean to my loved ones (even if it is a loved one being mean).
Could I express myself differently toward him in those moments?
Possibly...but I have cancer so why change now?! 😆
So anyway, my dad called.
"Fed?"
Fed is his nickname for me.
Heather Feather.
Hedder Fedder.
Fed.
When I think about it now, I actually really like it.
I am realizing it is something just he and I share.
No one else calls me that.
He's already kinda crying…
And this, too, is when I realize I avoid him sometimes, as he is emotional.
Way more so than I ever truly realized...especially now with his daughter having cancer.
And I'm finding out, I don't do emotional when it comes to me.
There, there. Pat-Pat.
He just called to tell me he loves me, he is always thinking about me, and he is proud of how strong I am.
Well shit dad 💌
Maybe, just maybe, I could shift my 98% - 2% to 90% - 10%.... 😜
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that night, Steve was expressing how he was feeling somewhat upset that certain people had yet to reach out to him in this whole new situation we have going on.
He is honestly a sensitive person, although his introvertedness can at times make him seem standoffish.
I get it. He is going through a lot emotionally, and I am really no help as I just keep telling him and everyone how, "I am FINE."
But I do acknowledge it isn't all about me.
He hates to see me going through all the surgeries, procedures, appointments, pain, discomfort, etc. He is tremendously sad for me, that "they took a part" of me.
So I decided to try and be sensitive in his time of need.
I walk over to him.
Place my hand on his shoulder.
Gaze deeply into his eyes, making him uncomfortable with the awkwardness of this whole scene unfolding.....
“I heard your wife has cancer. I’m here for you.”
#💀🤣
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