4/2 There is Peace in this Quiet

Mom left.

Again.

I had to legitimately push her out the door - it is my dad's 77th birthday, for goodness' sake!

She’s not often a crier.

So it’s hard for me when she does show emotion, as I know it runs deep.

And that hurts me.

She cares for herself last.

She puts everything and everyone else as her priority.

She is overly accommodating to keep peace.

She does everything she can to remove the burden from others.

She arrived with my favorite sheet pizza and a bouquet of my favorite flowers 🌻

She leaves with tears and separation anxiety.

I can’t imagine how unbearable this is for her.

Her daughter has cancer, you know.

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Now I am alone.

And there is peace in this quiet.

As helpful as it is to have others here to lend a hand or show support, it isn't always the best for my family unit. 

Gavin can become dysregulated, unable to control his words or emotions. 

His excitement can turn into a random scream, or talking back, or saying, "What the fuck?", or arguing with Steve who doesn't tolerate dysregulated Gavin very well...who am I kidding...

At all.

Logan becomes more mouthy and guarded. 

But just like with my mom and dad, I will always (ok this percentage is less, but still high, I'll go 75% - 25%) side with my boys.

I can't help it.

It is my momma bear instinct to protect them. 

I know Steve, too, gets dysregulated with the disruption in our "schedule". 

He and Gavin are very similar in their neurodiversity; however, sadly, it doesn't help him to understand Gavin anymore.

I, too, get overwhelmed, feeling like I can't express myself.

Or yell at my kids (I did this time).

They tend to act out more - or maybe it is the same and I am just more sensitive to it as someone has front seats access to this shit show part of my life 😱

I feel like I have to be "on" and that makes me withdraw more sometimes. 

I know this isn't expected of me, it is just how I feel in these moments. 

We are working on it. 

All of us. 

It is a constant work in progress.

And we have ALL come SO far.

So while I very much appreciate all the help from my mom and others...I am grateful for the solitude to re-group.

And for my family to have the opportunity to come back down to baseline...